World of Crussell

Call it pressure of work, call it pressure of impending fatherhood, call it laziness if you will but it's been nearly three months since my last rant post.

That's all I wanted to say really, except that I hope it'll be less then three months to my NEXT post!

Why is it, that whenever I mention the fact I'm going to be a dad and that we're having two girls people laugh then say "You are SO screwed..."

It's not funny, it's not helpful and it really pisses me off. Maybe your kids are little bastards who spend their time knifing pensioners and drinking Diamond White, if so, I'm really not interested.

Also, I don't care what your suggestions for names are, really, I don't. So kindly wrap up Chinawhite and Frogmella in their gaudy little Fubu tracksuits and CLEAR OFF.

They're my girls, I'm proud of them already and I can't wait for February, if you can't handle it or feel the need to be sarcastic, miserable or otherwise stay the fuck away from my family.

The annual exam results are all in now and .. EVERYONE GOT AN A!!!!! Hoorah! Lashings of jam and ginger beer all around, we're all going to public school!

But before you get all excited and start throwing your straw boater in the air and exposing your buttocks to the chaps from the Upper Fifth(it is public school after all), let's take a second to reflect on the academic effort involved in passing modern school exams. Why not take this secretly leaked test and see if you're capable of getting 50 A*s without even revising !!!



Question 1 - Are you
a) Human
b) Descended from reptiles
c) Innit

(Score 5 if you answered 'a', 3 for 'b' and '1' for c (we're assuming you had the mental comprehension to circle the correct answer)

Question 2 - If John has three bitches and makes two of them pregnant (the second one with twins), how much money will he claim off the dole?
(Award points if you points for mentioning income support, multiple mothers, birth control (lack of) and the word innit)

Question 3 - The square on the side of the hypotenuse :
a) Is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides
b) Is where we 'ang owt an chill
c) Needs a cap in it's ass, innit
(Whatever the answer, award five points)

Question 4 - If I take a quarter and then I take another eighth, just how stoned will I be? (thank you Frankie Boyle!)
(No points for this one but it's worth noting early in your criminal record).

Question 5 - Innit?
(Award a point for turning up)

All done now? good! so, what are the scores on the doors:

More than 5 - subract 5 marks for being a smartarse
Less than 5 - add 95 marks
Less than Zero, award 95 marks for trying

Now turn the number of marks into a percentage and OMFG!!!!!!!eleventy!!!!WIN!!!!! You have sufficient qualifications to enter Cambridge and become a professor of Ancient History and shit - respect!

Sadly, you will still be educationally overqualified for the post of Prime Minister though if you can lie, cheat and release terrorists on your day off, then you might still be in with a chance...

Dear People of America,

You may have read in the news this week that the cowards, cheats and liars in charge of "Great" Britain have allowed a convicted terrorist to go free on compassionate grounds.

It seems the poor dear is dying of cancer and needs to be at home with his family. Apparently he also deserved a hero's welcome when he returned to the cradle of terrorism, or Libya as it's called in diplomatic circles.

However, let's be REALLY clear about something here.

The Scottish Justice Secretary does not speak on behalf of a lot of the people of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland, in fact, there are a lot of people who would have seen that terrorist bastard die in prison.

Sadly, it seems the British Isles is under attack from within. Our so called leaders continually sell us out, capitulating to the terrorist scum. We're told at one moment that we don't give in to those who try and change things by force, in the next we find out our politicians are in talks to release those who plot to kill us.

And the crowning glory of our weak, spineless leadership comes when the so-called Prime Minister refuses to comment on the release of the Lockerbie bomber because he's on holiday. Odd then that he can find time to write a letter to the captain of our cricket team to congratulate them on winning the Ashes but not to comment on a matter of national importance.

So, people of America, I'll apologise on behalf of the people of our country for what you see as a miscarriage of justice - I agree with you 100%.

Brown is a sad, gutless, pointless excuse for a leader who seems to have ceded power to the even more revolting Mandelson, and the former "Great" Britain is now a mere shadow of it's former self - truly, we are a nation lost.

Until we have a significant change of leadership there's little point in dealing with us as a country, we're useless, witless and the laughing stock of the world - I suggest coming back in a year or so when hopefully the people of Britain have seen sense and chucked this bloody idiot and his pointless cohorts out of power.

However, on the possibility that voters are as retarded as the leaders, any chance of a visa so I can bring the family to live in a proper country?

Today, millions of people worldwide will fall silent in a tribute to pop star Michael Jackson. Many a tear will fall. Fans everywhere intend to honour the memory of a "great" man...

And they'll all remember the music and not what's been cunningly termed his "colourful private life"

So let's not mention the child abuse allegations, the drug addiction or the massive debt, because, at the end of the day, it's better to remember the song and dance man then the slobbering, penniless paedo who was so hopped up on painkillers he could barely remember who he was.

Makes you wonder what'll happen when Gary Glitter dies. Maybe you'll remember the talented artist rather then the child abuser - I don't think so ...

Ah, I hear you cry, but Glitter was found guilty in court of child abuse, Jackson was never convicted. True, but Glitter didn't have $20 million to buy his way out of trouble. Even Jacko's sister accused him of touching up little boys but later retracted her words when she realised he was going to get away with it.

So, at 6pm tonight, why not all gather together and weep for a dead paedo, why not buy a few of his records too, just to make you feel better about the whole thing - after all he was a "hero", wasn't he?

It's that time of year again folks, time for the tennis-averse members of the community to pack up their tents and head down to Somerset for the Glastonbury Festival. However, with tickets at £175 apiece, the festival experience can be an expensive one.

This set me thinking ...

You see, the BBC provide radio and TV coverage of the event, so why waste time traipsing to Pilton when you can get a realistic Glastonbury experience IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!!!!! Just follow these simple steps to festival heaven.

1. Put the bathplug in the tub and set the taps running - in a matter of minutes water will be pouring over the sides and down through the floorboards into the living room - hey presto! Glasto rain! (chuck a tarp or plastic bag over the TV for good measure)

2. Empty the soil out of all the pot plants in your living room onto the carpet, combined with the water from Step #1 this will create your very own Pilton quagmire - getting that feeling of "being there" yet?

3. Superglue the toilet door closed with your incontinent, partially-sighted aunt on the inside  - pretty soon, the combination of a tiny bladder and inability to see properly will result in urine surging under the bog door. For extra authenticity, employ your kids/nephews to hammer on the door of the loo shouting "get a fucking move on, I'm busting!"

4. Ask your partner to prepare some partially cooked beefburgers and kebabs (particularly effective if Auntie Lil is still in the 'cloakroom'). Don't expect instant results but after a couple of hours you'll be vomiting like a professional.

5. Turn up the TV and stereo so loud the sound dissolves into static causing haemorrhaging from your ears and possibly eyes.

6. Ask the bloke from next door to pop round every half an hour and charge you £50 for a bag of sherbet and/or basil leaves...

7. Buy a tent, then steal it from yourself and insist on sleeping in the mud and piss on the living room floor each night.

And there you have it! After three days, emerge from your house covered in sick, puke, Aunt Lil's pee and gobbets of mud. Feel free to tell everyone what a "banging time" you had, how it was "the shit" and how you can't wait to stay at home and do it all again next year.

No need to thank me festival goers, I suggest it because I care ...

Today was egg transfer day for us, for the non IVF-aware it's where the doctors implant fertilised embryos back into Elly in the hope they'll 'stick' and go on to become babies.

Usually it's quite a hopeful day, we get to say hello to what may become our future kids and we get a positive gee-up from the medical team just in time for the dreaded two-week wait - in two weeks time we'll know if the treatment has worked or not.

In the past, we've always asked for photos of the embryos - it might seem like a small thing but to us it's really important, after weeks of drugs, pain and misery for Elly, travel and a considerable amount of expense. Given the odds of the treatment working it might well be our only contact with the embryos.

Today, we also asked for photos, but the embryologist at the Shady Grove Fertility Centre was too busy and forgot - thanks very much for that. Is it really too much to ask for one damned photo?

I realise the medical staff are busy, I realise they deal with a lot of patients but, to be selfish for once, I don't care. This is *our* baby and when we put so much time, effort, money and emotion into this procedure I *expect* certain things to happen - even when they seem inconsequential to others - we're not having the oil changed in the car for Christ's sake, this is important to me and Elly.

I'm furious.

Ladies, ladies, ladies... PLEASE!! News reaches us this week that women are now responsible for 25% of all violent attacks. It seems the fairer sex are getting increasingly drunk and pissed up on booze then hitting each other like street whores brawling over the last customer... Quite frankly, it's unacceptable.

So, in an effort to add an air of respectability to proceedings, here's some excerpts from my forthcoming guide, Crussell's Guide to a Good Night Out (for the ladies)

Preparing for your night out
Refrain from "necking" five Red Bulls in less than 30 minutes, the proper NOL (Night out Lady), paces herself by restricting the alcopop intake to one bottle per smear of cheap make-up. always remember to drink from a glass - there's nothing more unsociable than simple opening your cavernous mouth and pouring the alcohol in.
Clothing is an important aspect of the evening out, be sure it's too tight and, if possible, semi-transparent - all the better to show off those tattoos of unicorns and badly-drawn butterflies!

Meeting your fellow ladies
Be sure to meet your fellow revellers at a reasonable time and place. A hugely overcrowded pub always does the trick, with ten minutes to go before your preferred event/club opens.

Genuine NOLs project an aura of authority, so make sure you push your way straight to the bar, ignoring the complaints of other drinkers. As a general note, those around you love to be called "fakkin' coonts" and will often appreciate a piggy-eyed, slack dead-eyed stare, if you have the time to give them one.

Arriving at your chosen venue
It's very important for the NOL to be impressively under-dressed when arriving at your chosen venue, even more so if the outside temperature is low. Be sure to clutch your tiny handbag to your chest and shiver dramatically. In order to relieve the cold you feel, chew enthusiastically on a large wad of gum in order to generate enough heat to keep you comfortable. No spitting however, etiquette teaches us that a NOL always swallows (more on this later).

Attracting a mate
There are two schools of thought for the NOL here, the Drinkonomics camp would have you believe that it's the norm to turn up at your event with no cash, grab a suitable looking male and entice him into a companionable relationship with a phrase such as "I'll nosh you off if you buy me a fakkin' lager", though the more laid back members of the School of Dancemania will insist that random disinterested motions on the dance floor will do the job just as well with less ... noshing ...

Go with whatever suits your mood, but remember, it's always more effective if gum is being chewed.

Leaving the Event
A proper NOL likes to make as big an impact when she leaves as when she arrives. Try starting a fight or hitting a rival NOL with a broken bottle whilst exchanging words of mutual respect such as "slag" or "whore" to achieve the desired effect - remember: no-one likes a wallflower!

In the event that you've "pulled" it's important to indulge in sexual activities in the lavatories before leaving so you can share your moment of coital bliss with your chums on the way home, and be sure to shout goodbye to your "shag" on the way out, destroying his reputation with his mates as you do.

For the ultimate exit, try vomiting copiously on the pavement outside of the venue, the knowledgeable NOL about town will always try to keep a little in her mouth, just in case an eligible bachelor walks past, after all, there's nothing as romantic as a staggering, lager-soaked, blood stained, vomit-emanating NOL with her knickers in her handbag, is there?

From: The Honourable Member for Helipad North
To: the Right Honourable members of Her Majesty's Parliament

Subject: Expenses

To the Rt Hon Members,
It is with great regret that I wish to announce to the house that I have been caught with my fingers in the till. It was never my intention to bring shame on the world's greatest political institution, just to get away with whatever I could. I also never intended to embarrass the Prime Minister, besides, no-one thought it was possible for him to be further shamed given the current state of his leadership.

I will not apologise for my actions, as far as I'm concerned, I acted within the letter of the law (which I helped write) and never broke any of the rules (which I had a hand in creating).

Let me explain my actions:

The claim for extra-strength underpants (£5,645) was a necessary expense given my position in the House. For the last three years I've had to listen to the incessant crap spewed out by the Labour party, quite honestly, their constant backtracking, double talking and outright lying causes my colon to spasm, hence the need for a reinforced gusset and extra buttock padding.

The £15,600 for a new conservatory was vital. You see, I keep my special "going to Parliament" shoes in the Conservatory and I fear I would not be able to do my job properly without footwear which is maintained in the manner to which they've become accustomed.

The claim for the house for my flip-flops has already been withdrawn, mainly because I never wear the flip-flops.

Most importantly, the £21,615 for interest on the lack of interest on the capital sum of the derisory amount of the gross product of the net income of my mortgage is important to me because I don't understand what it's for, but whatever it is it's an "accounting error", the error being that some bastard at the Daily Telegraph noticed.

Finally, as a relatively new MP, I believe the £150 for porn movies off Sky is totally justified as I wanted to fit in with the other thieving wankers around here and needed some training first.

So, to sum up, I'm willing to pay back at least £50 of the £65,768.98 I have claimed in the last month as a show of faith in the Parliamentary system and so I don't have to go to jail - it's not like I'm a real criminal after all, they're poor and have stripey jumpers, whereas I am rich and have expensive Saville Row suits, the receipts for which will be lodged with the Fees Office next week.

Regards
Justin Toper-Sopona-Roper Johnson
Rt Hon Member for Helipad North

Blimey, that's an inflammatory way to open a blog posting, makes it sound like someone has put together a virtual directory where crooks, scumbags and kiddy fiddlers can just browse for  potential victims.

Well, SURPRISE! it's here, it's staggeringly dangerous and if you've got kids, they're on it!!!

The Government (well there's a surprise..) are pushing forward with plans to roll out the ContactPoint database - a national directory of all 11 million of the country's under 18s which was designed to help keep our kids safe.

The database will include details such name, address, date of birth, gender, and contact details for parents or carers for each child in England. Contact details for the child's school, family doctor and other careers working with the child will also be included within the same cross-reference entry.

So far so good, let's face it, the ability for the authorities to collate this data in one place will help make sure there are no more Baby P's, won't it? Yes, of course it will - but to make it useful it has to be available to anyone who may come into contact with the children.

And estimates reckon that *could* be in the region of 350,000 people - and that's just the authorised ones.

Given the propensity for people in positions of authority to leave laptops etc on various forms of public transport this means YOUR kids could have their details lost at any given point in time.

Now, add to this the possibilities for villains entering the system and stealing the data, and what does the figure then become? There are many, many hackers out there who must be rubbing their hands in glee at the propect of cracking their way into the system - not because they're paedo's but because it's an allegedly secure system - it's a blackhat hackers dream for God's sake.

Scaremongering about hackers aside, how is the day-to-day security to be implemented? If doctors or social workers have access how do they stop people looking over their shoulders at sensitive data? What about disgruntled employees who decide to make trouble for an enemy or hated neighbour? Are you with me yet? You should be ...

If you're a parent, you don't seem to have a say in this, your children will be catalogued and you can't do jack to stop it.

This is a disaster waiting to happen and this time it won't be a few social security details which are at risk when there's a security breach, it'll be the most vulnerable of all people in our society - the kids.

The system goes on trial in the North West from this week, be afraid. Be VERY afraid..

(For more info see this post from tech newsite The Register)

[edit]
the BBC have also reported on the launch here