I was watching TV with Mrs Crussell the other night when an advertisement came on for a show which featured legendary science-type Stephen Hawking.Dr Hawking, when commenting, used the standard voice synthesiser that's built into his wheelchair - the one that sounds like an 80s Speak-n-Spell and it was at this point that Mrs Crussell (bless her!) made a profoundly incisive observation.
She said:"You'd think with all the advances in science and the advent of SatNav's that can talk, he could make himself sound better than that..."
And that's when it struck me, can you imagine:
The TV studio is dark and warm. in the dimness behind the stage lights the audience sits, silent, waiting for the greatest interview of all time - the interview in which Stephen Hawking will reveal the deepest secrets behind the birth of the universe... Seconds tick past and a pin which was dropping at the time heard itself whistle through the tense air.
On stage, Jeremy Paxman shifts his weight slightly in his chair, preparing to enter the history books as the man who asked "the question". Out of sight of the cameras, the bloke who's job it is to count Paxman in counts him in 3...2...1...
Jeremy Paxman: "Good evening and tonight I'm here with Professor Stephen Hawking to ask the most important question in the whole of human history, the answer to this question will, without doubt, cause us to question our place in the universe and indeed, the very fabric of the universe itself.
"This question is so important that it can only be asked once.. so Professor Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist, author and the greatest man of our time .... ... ... how was life created and what lies at the centre of the Big Bang?"
*huge pause as Prof Hawking types feverishly into his newly voice synthesised, wheelchair vocoder unit*
Prof Stephen Hawking: "In 300 yards take the exit A64 to Barnstaple.."
Jeremy Paxman: "I beg your pardon?"
Prof Stephen Hawking: "Speed Camera!!!!"
Jeremy Paxman: "Prof Hawking, I'm not sure I understand?"
Hawking hammers furiously at the keyboard of the vocoder,,,
Prof Stephen Hawking: "The next Costa Coffee is in 12.3 miles..."
A riot breaks out in the studio...







