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I've been thinking very seriously over the last couple of days about a subject which has become very close to my heart. It's a growing phenomenon in the UK and it's about time the government sat up and took notice of it.

I am, of course, talking about loafing.

As a newbie loafer (several weeks sitting on my arse now watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead of working) I'm appalled at the lack of any government support schemes for us layabouts. I mean, honestly, do people think it's easy watching TV all day instead of working for a living ???

For a start, it's difficult to know exactly how to "loaf" properly, there are documentary programmes on the BBC which highlight the plight of unemployed loafers (see also The Great Unwashed) but where are the support groups and telephone hotlines to offer advice ??

I have gathered together several questions relevant to the current situation which remain unanswered, and if anyone can shed any light on them I'd be very grateful:

* What's the maximum allowable time one can remain laid out on the sofa before bed sores set in?
* Does the casual loafer have to drink cheap lager and wear a heavily stained vest to fully appreciate their art, or would a plaid dressing gown, comfy slippers and a glass of high quality Port be acceptable.
* Does the loafer need a wide range of conversational skills or will "If that's the fooking DSS at the door, tell them I don't live here" do ?
* Should I develop some form of serious back trouble in order to avoid work ever again???

Just this weekend, while having a couple of beers with my father in the local pub, (several loafing points gained for drinking six pints while telling everyone I was unemployed!!) I overheard the story of a local guy known as agrophobia who hasn't worked for a long time due to ... agrophobia ...

Thing is, it's only a problem DURING THE DAY. It turns out he has a home help who takes him shopping and drops him off at the pub during daylight hours because it's too frightening to do it by himself. Thing is, as soon as night bursts onto the scene he's perfectly fine and can navigate his way to the boozer unaided.

Which raises the following the following question:

Is this man really ill, is it the greatest exercise in loafing ever or is he really a vampire who can't nip out for a packet of Hobnobs and six pints without someone to keep the sunshine off him and carry him about the place ???

I'm in two minds as to whether to applaud him for his slackness and ability to buck the system or send round Sarah Michelle Geller and the Scooby gang to sort him out with the sharpened leg of my dining room table ... (actually I say I'm in two minds, but the truth is I'm too busy laying in front of the TV, creating the world's biggest arse groove in the sofa to actually care...)

More job-hunting goodness to follow blog fans *yawn*

(just in case you were wondering, here's the dictionary definition of sarcasm, though the story about the agrophobia guy is totally true ..)

Sarcasm is the making of remarks intended to mock the person referred to (who is normally the person addressed), a situation or thing. It is often used in a humorous manner and expressed through particular vocal intonations. This is often done by simply over-emphasizing the actual statement, or particular words of it. Because it is vocally-oriented, sarcasm is often hard to pick up in written messages.