November 2004 Archives

Crussell's list of things I've learned about Cats ...

1. Cat shit STINKS
2. The maximum distance a cat can spray litter from it's poo tray it's directly proportionate to the evil stench emitting from said tray
3. No amount of ozone depleting sprays can get rid of the smell of (1) and (2)
4. For some reason I've yet to fathom it's possible to get cat hair inside your socks - even when you're wearing them.
5. Feeding cats strawberry flavoured licorice laces is not big or clever, and the red vomit stains take forever to get out of the carpet.
6. Cats fart .. loudly ... especially at 3am.
7. My feet are not a suitable cat toy.
8. Always make sure you have antiseptic in the house if you insist on sneezing while the cat sleeps on your chest
9. I am positive that while we're asleep the cat's dig Colditz-style escape tunnels in case we decide one day to take them to the vets. There is most definitely one somewhere behind the bed as it's physically impossible for Tom to vanish int he blink of an eye when he was most certainly there before I reached around to get the cat box.
10. Cats like the TV on when they sleep on my bed. Mind you, it has to be a suitable station. Anything with pop tunes goes down well. However, cats apparently hate the History Channel or anything to do with light entertainment - its impossible to introduce them to Monty Python and Friends results in an orgy of litter flicking from the poo tray downstairs.

Today's early morning ramble is brought to you courtesy of our local free newspaper who head up this week's edition with the slightly worrying headline "Taxi drivers rally round".

At least we know what Colin McRae's been doing with his time ...

Insomnia is quite a long word, and the night is unbelievably long - let me tell you, for the 3rd night running I'm still in front of this infernal machine aftr 3am and the other morning I didn't get to sleep until 7.30am.

However, sitting here with relatively little to do, I turned my mind to those less fortunate than myself - namely the starving and needy in Darfur (I just read an article on them on the BBC, normally I'd be thinking about video games and re-arranging my sock drawer by now).

So, there are thousands of refugees starving, dying etc in Darfur and 20 members of the British music industry (God bless 'em) have decided to help out by making a record. Not sending them cash, or food you understand, but making a record.

First off - as they're starving none of them will have CD players so it's all a bit pointless really, unless there's some Darfur-ian recipe for "CD surprise" or "CD a l'orange" that I'm not aware of.

Secondly - what's it all about? Apparently, the people of Britain will buy this ghastly tripe (it's not even a new record for God's sake it's a note-for-note re-release of that turgid crap the thick Irishman and Midge Ure came up with 20 years ago) and feel they've helped the poor and starving kiddies abroad.

Help they might, but surely the point is the people buying this maginificent musical feast haven't the faintest idea where Darfur is, why people are dying or what the money will do. The only reason they're buying the damned record is because Ms Dynamite is on it - now pardon me for being sarcastic, but I'm not sure Ms Dynamite needs the money, talent - yes, but not the money.

If anyone's going to help here it's the governments, not a bunch of spotty ten-year old's who want to hear Bonio from U2 squeal "weeeeeeellll tonight thank God it's them, instead of yoooooooooooooou"

And, while I'm on a rant, don't you just love the line in the song "And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." Of course there bloody won't - Mount Kiimanjaro might catch a few flakes but the rest of the place is a DESERT and not known for it's apres ski and snowboarding action - and even if there was a layer of the white stuff all around, the British music industry would probably release a new single entitled "Don't eat yellow snow (it's soaked with Yak piss)".

Gaaaah .. I'm off to bed to grumble horribly while watching re-runs of Murder She Wrote ...

Bah Humbug to you all.

Hilarious

A leaked report from uber-ISP AOL has revealed that 40% of their current subscriber base don't even own a computer - which you'd think would be pretty essential really...

Huge admiration then goes out to this guy for my favourite act of utter stupidity of the week:

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribe I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

What the hell did he think he was getting for his $20 a month???? And did he even bother to complain when nothing turned up???

By the way Mr Lewen, for just $20 a month you can subscribe to my free website http://www.worldofcrussell.com. Provided you send me the cash I'll send you a collection of GREAT souvenirs including used toilet paper, an assortment of cat hairs from the living room floor AND a fantastic gents wristwatch which stopped working last year. And if that's not a bargain, I donlt know what is ...

Apparently Parliament are today going to vote on whether to ban parents from smacking their children. By all accounts it may become a criminal offence if you hit them hard enough to leave a mark or cause mental suffering - which seems a bit harsh for a lot of parents - after all, how are you supposed to teach little Gregory that sticking his hand in the fire while throwing a tuntrum is a very bad thing?

I actually think we should introduce smacking for adults instead, to even up the score a little, with suitable punishments being meted out to wrongdoers on a sliding scale.

For stealing from a shop: Five hand slaps and a personal apology to the shopkeeper.

For a traffic offence: Ten hand slaps

For taking your country to war on a whim and a pack of lies: Line up Britain and grab a paddle ...

And finally a message for any American readers: For God's sake vote Kerry. He might look like the bloke off the Just For Men TV ad but at least he's not an utter, utter, utter, utter buffoon (George - in case you pass by this page a buffoon is NOT a type of monkey ...)