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An open entry to all overweight Americans ...

Dear Fatty, Please eat less cream buns and stop breaking our ships ...

[From the Herald Sun Online edition]

DOZENS of seats on the world's most luxurious cruise liner have collapsed under the weight of obese American passengers. The chairs -- on the Queen Mary 2 -- are being replaced or repaired. The seating is mainly in the bar and restaurant areas.

A spokesman said: "There are some problems with the chairs because some of our passengers are heavier than we imagined.

"It's not an English problem, it's probably more American."

Facts about the Queen Mary 2 * The QM2 is three times heavier than the Titanic. *  the QM2 has been constructed from steel twice as thick as that of a battlecruiser ... AND ... * With a gross tonnage of 150,000 tonnes, the QM2 is built to withstand the harshest weather the Atlantic can throw at it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be able to stand the harshest arse that America can throw at it!! - and does the phrase "gross tonnage" refer to the ship or to the blobs of lard that sail on her? On the other side of the coin, I suppose if it did a Titanic, all the skinny Brits would flounder and die but the Americans would simply float away like water-borne weebles.

I can see it now :

"My name's Clark Rosenzeigenstockenheim and I'm reporting live for WAN-Q TV news from the beaches of New England, where the latest in a series of disaster victims has just washed up on shore.

"The survivor, named by authorities as 28-year old Frank Lardbag, was rolled into the back of a reinforced anbulance and taken to a local hospital for treatment, a burger and super-sized coke. Coastguards say Mr Lardbag, a professional guzzler from Missouri, survived by eating his own cheeks for the three months he was cast adrift.

"Emergency services, who carried out extensive searches of the Eastern seaboard twice missed him after he was mistaken for a stray lump of pack ice drifting down from the North Pole.

"Officials say the injured man is a shadow of his former self and it will take several hours to regain the 15 stones he lost during his ordeal.

"A spokesman for  Mr Lardbag said the survivor would definitely sue over the incident, but during the short trip to hospital he could only come up with a list of around 15,000 names ..."