England! Home to two thousand years of world history. England! Once one of the most respected military and diplomatic powers ever seen. England! Scene of tens-of-thousands of pissed-up people who once a year don party hats and disrupt normal office life by reviving an arcane practice known only to a few hallowed souls as … "Secret Santa".
Yes folks it's Christmas time once again, time to celebrate the end of the old year and the start of the new, time to reflect on how much turkey it's possible to cram into the average distended belly and most of all time to "thank God it's them instead of yoooooooooou" (will there ever be an end to Band Aid ??)
'Tis currently the night-before the night-before-Christmas and looking out of the window I can see office workers everywhere with hope on their faces (and some with a bit of cake too by all accounts). But it's not the hope that Santa will bring toys to all the good girls and boys, more the hope that Amex and Visa won't realise they've massively overspent on their credit cards and present them with an indigestion inducing bill rather than the Rolls Royce they were hoping for.
What is it, I wonder, that makes people so bloody happy? I for one have a 120 mile trip home round the M25 ahead of me tomorrow before I face the holiday period and I would like nothing more than to spend it smashed off my face and surrounded by good-looking, nubile bisexual women who all want a nibble of my Christmas Log before they set about each other … or something.
Anyways, in celebration of the end of the year, here's a handful of things that always cause me to reflect on the spirit of Christmas …
- Why is turkey the traditional dish of the day on December 25? I've read the bible stories many times and seem to remember the three wise men bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the baby Jesus - not a couple of slices of breast, some parsnips and a helping of chestnut stuffing.
- Egg nog - WHY?
- When the three wise men (see #1) had delivered their gifts to the King of Kings, did they nip off round the back of The Innâ„¢ and get off with a bird called Sharon who was on her office party from the Roman Office of Forced Relocation?
- Is there a world record for the longest period of time the pointy bits that fall off Xmas trees can hide in interesting crevices around the living room?
- Why aren't sales of socks, ties and slippers banned during the month of December?
- Could someone please explain to all those blank-faced people who drive around supermarket car parks on Christmas Day that the shops are CLOSED and they'll just have to do without that tin of dried tomatoes/pickled chilis/spam that seemed so important when they woke up.
- Cat shit still smells on Christmas Day (see earlier postings for cat excrement-related musings)
- I really don't have to wear a paper crown from a cracker to enjoy myself. Also, I will not swap my glass monkey for your pathetic thimble and don't think about stealing it while I'm puking egg nog down the lavatory.
- You can see the Two Ronnies on any given day of the year - really!!
- Boxing Day is so named because by December 26th couples across the country would rather punch the living daylights out of each other than spend another minute listening to Auntie Marge tell everyone what a bastard Uncle Frank is while granddad quietly wees himself all over the new sofa.
Footnote: For the record, I'll be spending the latter part of Xmas and New Year in Las Vegas and if I don't get the nubile, good-looking bisexual ladies I asked Santa for, I'll damn-well buy some for a couple of hours!!! After all, I have been a Very. Good. Boy. This year …
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