May 2005 Archives

Take a look at the world news today. The European Union is on the brink of collapse (fancy that .. the French pulling out of something), there's millions starving all the world, North Korea and others are threatening the security of the "Free World"(tm) with veiled comments about nuclear testing and what's the biggest story in Britain today ...? Some Yank has bought Manchester United football club and the locals don't like it.

To be fair, Manchester is the city that brought us Terry Christian and Oasis so we know the general IQ of the population is slightly lower than a snake's belly (all right our kid, mad fer it etc) but when the only thing to happen in their sad little world is that someone takes over the local sports team you have to know that all's not well.

So, what's their problem with the sale of Man Utd? Apparently, American businessman Malcolm Glazer wants to MAKE MONEY from it!! Who'd have thought it??? By my reasoning that means the previous owners did it for the love of the game and weren't interested in the millions of pounds in cash that poured into the bank. Maybe they just gave the profits to the poor, or they cashed it in for five pound notes and used them to wallpaper the living room, but according to the outrage of footer fans in Manchester they on no account took the money, or anything, surely?

It's a bit like saying the Coca Cola Company only produces Vanilla Coke out of the goodness of it's heart - it doesn't care about making a fast buck, it's all for the good of the people - awwww, nice eh?

So, here's today's quick advisory note to footer fans in Manchester: It's all about the money. It's nothing to do with the game of the football. You have all been brainwashed by big business into paying exorbitant amounts of cash for season tickets to see 90 minutes of 11 overpaid dimwits kick a ball about once every two weeks (season tickets only cover home games).

Let's take a look at the costs ... I just checked the web and discovered tickets cost (roughly) between £40 and £200 a go - face it, it's cheaper to call phone sex lines and the advantage of the phone sex is you don't have to freeze your balls off in a draughty stadium while someone standing next to you eats a lukewarm meat pie with his mouth open as the bloke in front of you farts all afternoon (though it would make a change from "Busty Miss Linda wants to staple your tackle toa dartboard - calls terminate in Dartford").

Face the facts. Manchester United is a football team second and a cashcow for the owners first - it doesn't matter if it's an Irish racehorse owner or some beardy Yank who's in control of the pursestrings it's all the same.

So cheer up you people of Manchester, you know there's nothing to change the situation so do something positive. Put your footballing differences aside for a second and do something that will benefit mankind - I suggest stringing Oasis up by the balls after crushing the vocal chords of the one who looks like a chimp. You know you'll feel better for it ...

The Internet - it's not just about porn ... no ... wait ...

I found this on Reuters site this morning ...

TAIPEI - A man in Taiwan has died and four others were poisoned after drinking a popular bottled fizzy drink laced with cyanide and labelled "I am poisonous. Please do not drink."

Some of the victims thought the warning was a new advertising slogan, police said on Thursday.

Maybe the military should stop labelling atomic weapons with I am a bomb, do not press the red button or I go boom-boom just in case they lose one on the streets of Taiwan.

Darwin wins again ...

Software piracy - it's a tricky issue.. On the one hand free software, on the other THESE PEOPLE ARE THIEVES.

So, it's worth pointing out this story about three guys from the renowned hack/crack group DrinkOrDie.

The fact they received harsher prison sentences than "real" criminals ie the kind who shoot/stab/kick you unconscious is something I'll bypass (unusual I know !!) what I want to draw attention to is some of the comments from the prosecutor.

In court, barrister Bruce Houlder, described the crackers as "sad individuals" who spent their lives in front of computers. He added: "They see themselves as stars, nighttime tappers of keyboards. You might feel that their lives are rather sad, living as they do for very large parts of their days and nights in a virtual world, in front of a computer monitor, cocooned from existence."

Well excuse me Mr fancy-pants, smart-arse, lawyer person but I resemble that remark! Nary a day goes by when I'm not still here till the wee hours hammering away at a keyboard with a wonky "d" in an effort to earn a crust. If you're going to point the thin, veiny finger of mockery, then point it at yourself you wig-wearing, frock modelling snot!

I think it's time the "nighttime tappers of keyboards" came round your house for a cup of Coke and a couple of Mars Bars with you and your missus and we'll show you how how it's done.

My wife always gives this piece of advice to her female friends: "Marry a geek, because they're loyal and you always know where they are (usually in front of afore mentioned keyboard".

The same cannot be said of lawyers, who delight in getting pissed in poncey wine bars with their shallow mates before nipping off for a good spanking and a spot of aggravated nipple torture from Mistress ButtPlug of East Grinstead. This is not speculation btw - I have a friend who's a Dominatrix in London and she gets all sorts through the door - (don't get me started on that one... blimey you'll never guess... and poking out the end was a boa constrictor etc etc)

Legal types are nearly as oily as Tax men (see previous postings for my love of all things Inland Revenue).

Anyways, at least one good thing came out of the DrinkOrDie case, according to Mr Houlder that bastion of personality Bill Gates was "enraged" by the goings on of DoD - he must have been gutted losing a couple of thousand dollars what with his billions in the Abbey National...

Actually, something just occurred to me - is it coincidence that the next version of Windows, Micro$oft want to flog to the Horny Net Geeks is called LongHorn ??? Makes you wonder if it doesn't open Internet Exploder with a cunning image of a large-chested Brazilian "performance artist" getting a reboot up her own operating system.

(btw Bill, first week of full-time Linux usage and it's running like a dream - count an extra one that won't be buying your next product, even if there are Brazilians involved !!)

(courtesy of the BBC)

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion

Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine."

This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted.

An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.

The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.

The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.

Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Oooh it's all so exciting .. apparently .. It seems the country's favourite liar is currently streets ahead in the polls (it's 1.25am on Friday May 6) with 82 seats to the Tories 6 and the Lib Dems 5. I'm telling you, this is seatof the pants stuff *ahem*.

Still, in other news, if this post actually makes it to my blog it proves that I'm finally switched over the Fedora Core 3 from Windows. Viva the Desktop Revolution I say ...

Btw, you may have noticed that after a defiant emergence in said revolution by the entry titles, they appear to have been beaten back by the rebels (ie they've gawn Oliver). Apparently my new blog client doesnlt wholely support them yet :)

Still if you're using Linux and you're looking for a really smart little client that does the job without complaints go here and give BloGTK a try.

I'm just in the procees of going out for the evening, but I've been playing Freedom Force again (the PC Superhero RPG) and it suddenly struck me that Superhro names are, by and large, rubbish. Mr Mephisto, The Green Goblin - what's it all about, eh? So, in cepebration of the lost Superheroes, here's a quick and (mostly) dirty list of the ten superheroes Marvel and friends neglected to include in the world of cartoon law enforecement ... (disclaimer: I didn't say it would be funny.. though the idea of Scrotar makes me giggle like a thee-year-old) 

Scrotar - "My balls are like a shield of steel"

RamMan - "Rear we go again"

Doctor Fisto - "Gaze in to the fist with fear .."

Sphincter Boy - "Cower before the mighty muscle"

The Incredible Jizzlobber - "Here's one in the eye for villains everywhere!"

VibroMan - "Justice will prevail in less than two shakes"

Vomitor - "Spewing out justice to evildoers"

GastroGuy - "Ride like the wind"

Genuflector X - "Pray for mercy!"

Erector - "Standing tall against all evil"