This is the post I never wanted to write. Today I should be at home, with my son in my arms, looking forward to the re-start of my life with a complete family. Instead there's only a feeling of emptiness and loss.
Matthew died on January 22nd as a result of Premature Rupture Of the Membrane(PROM) and there hasn't been a day since that I haven't missed him. It's a very weird feeling. I got to hold him for about ten minutes after he died, the hospital wrapped him in a tiny hand-knitted blanket so Elly and I could spend some time with him, but even though it was so short a period I can still remember every crease in his face, the tiny hairs on his head and his tiny button nose and fingers and the thing is, it still hurts so badly it makes my chest ache.
I often find myself wondering what kind of a little boy he would have been, I like to think he would have been happy, hopeful and full of life, sadly, I'll never get to find out.
We start IVF treatment in about four weeks time and we're hopeful this time it's going to work and we'll get the baby we've been hoping for but there'll always be a special space for my Matthew. Who knew fatherhood could be so damned hard ...
