November 2007 Archives

A new report from someone with too much time on their hands at the University of Michigan says violent video games can harm children.

After studying 50 years of research into the subject (because we've had 50 years of video games, haven't we?) media whores researchers L. Rowell Huesmann and Brad Bushman said violent games were a major public health threat as they raise the aggression levels of those who play them and that the problem was second only to lung cancer caused by smoking.

So far so utterly ridiculous, however, I have a solution.

Let's petition video game makers to create porn titles from now on! If violent games make kids violent then surely porno games will create an air of "make love, not war" - everybody wins! When I've finished composing this blog entry I'll be writing to Eidos with my plans for Lara Croft - Womb Raider and to Infinity Ward with a suggestion for Call Of Duty 5 - Ultra-modern Cum-bat.

It's well documented that here in the UK we love the underdog - there's something terribly British about supporting the little guy against the massed forces of the Great Unwashed(tm).

However, two stories are currently in the press which point clearly to where the country is going wrong.
#1 England soccer boss Steve McLaren loses his job for being shit - but still gets a £2.5 million payoff.

#2 Some government gimp "loses" 25 million personal records, opening millions of people to ID theft, and he gets full immunity, anonymity and free hotel accomodation and police protection till the whole thing blows over.

I work for an international publishing company. If I fail at my job I expect to be fired unlike the gimp in point 2. I also expect to be given (at most) a month's salary, but not £2.5 million ...

It really makes you wonder why we try to be upstanding members of the community when failure (and disasterous failure at that) is rewarded far more than success.

That said, I'm off to score some Coke, open a whorehouse and rob a corner shop. While I'm at it I might murder a pensioner and a few kids - with luck I'll get a million pound payoff from work and six months in jail - with good behaviour I'll be out by the time you read this...

(for the disgustingly dim amongst you I am, in fact, being sarcastic. I have no intention of killing kids ...)