June 2008 Archives

The people of Zimbabwe must really, really like Robert Mugabe - this weekend, 85% of them voted for him in the elections (though he was the only candidate..) The other 15% clearly have a deathwish, apparently it's possible to tell who voted for who over there and the lovely Mr M seems to treat dissenters and unbelievers with an iron hand and/or a machete to the brain.

So, as Zimbabwe spirals out of control and Mugabe tightens his dictatorial grip on the place what are the international community doing about it?

By all accounts we're quite upset and we've told the tyrant that we "won't tolerate" his actions. Furthermore, we're boycotting the Zimbabwean cricket team - that'll learn 'em!

In Iraq and Afghanistan, "we" sent in a huge military force and toppled the ruling dictatorships, splurging billions of dollars on giving the locals a sense of democracy they don't seem to want. Zimbabwe has a clear opposition who are terrified of taking action as Zanu PFs thugs will (literally) cut them down. But there's no guns in evidence, no showboating with military helicopters and aircraft carriers - it's all a bit like Darfur really - as long as it's darkie-on-darkie action no one really gives a damn - after all there's no oil, precious gems or industry worth protecting having, so we let them get on with it until genocide does it ghastly work.

But still, we won't let them play us at cricket, so we've done our bit, haven't we?

The train I was travelling on broke down this morning. All of a sudden, the front eight carriages lost electrical power, bringing the whole shebang to a halt.

After several minutes, the Guard and the Driver met up in the carriage I was sitting in, obviously, the Guard was an IT helpdesk technician in a previous life as the conversation ran:

Guard : "Hi, I've been looking for you!" (really??? my guess is he was ON THE TRAIN !!)

Driver: "We've lost all power to the front eight coaches"

Guard: "Have you tried turning it off and then on again?"

...and there you have it. The answer to a modern train breakdown - turning it on and off. Oddly, two minutes later, we were travelling again...

Fair play to the chaps from UK social networking site FaceParty who snapped today and told their user base a few home truths.

The lads at FaceParty run a free service for their members and always have done, but it seems they've finally grown tired of the whinging hoardes who expect everything for nothing.

In a post to the site, admins wrote: ".. some of you have pissed us off so much today that we've shut the whole site down and fucked off to the zoo".

The action comes after the site offered some "new, cool tools" to those who posted up pics of themselves in fancy dress. The free tools were a little slow coming and as a result the users began whining like children, samples of their input include:

"That's it, been six days now, gonna sue them"
"I'm going to write to Trading Standards about this, it's sick"
"You are bastards and you asre abusing your responsibility".

All of which further confirms my opinion that users should only be allowed Internet access if they pass a special test to prove they are worthy and capable of net usage.

So, hurrah to you FaceParty folks for standing up and taking action !!

Hoorah! I'm probably too old these days to be listening to dance music but to hell with it :) I recently discovered a rather excellent German combo called Scooter - purveyors of high quality jumpstyle music for "the massive".

Revealing a rare vein of humour, the cheeky lads have pumped out 13 albums with a wide variety of toe-tapping "beatz".

My current favourite is a singalong number entitled "Fuck the Millenium" in which the band's lead singer, Hans, introduces himself through a list of his DJ pseudonyms, the pertinent lyrics are:

"There's Rick, there's Axel and there's me
I'm the candyman, also known as Dave, Dave from Sheffield ..."

FANTASIC!!!! He could have called him "Neo, the Mic Enforcer" or "Matrix, the Rhyme Animal" but no, instead he chooses Dave from Sheffield!! Pure genius..

Exuse me a moment while I wibble over to the corner to make a box to put my big fish in ..

British bureaucracy strikes another blow for freedom today, banning US lifestyle guru Martha Stewart from entering the country because she lied about a share sale in 2004.

In the mean time, Abu Hamza and Abu Qatada - known, convicted terrorists, bona fide sub-humans and an affront to decent people everywhere, are allowed to stay in the country and receive handouts from the Government.

Let's pause a second and think about that ... a woman who lied about a stock sale is refused entry because she committed a "serious criminal offence", yet two scum bags who support and encourage murder and acts of violence qualify for state handouts, homes and security to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds a year - seems wrong doesn't it ?

Obviously, our marvellously ignorant "government" will do their best for right-thinking people by doing precisely nothing - after all, you wouldn't want to upset the terrorists would you.. they might sue for hurt feelings or something...

Another day, another annoyance from the world's worst mass transit system. However, it's not the Underground itself that gives me cause to moan, it's the adverts for "hip" Japanese clothing label Uniqlo.

Apparently, Uniqlo are very "relevant" in the world of fashion, though I haven't been able to find out exactly what they are relevant to - it's probably just the verbal spew of some cokehead PR cretin, trying to flog a few more shoddy, imported t-shirts to the vacuous yoof of London..

Anyways, in an effort to increase their relevance they've been running a series of billboard ads on the tube system and it's really got me thinking. You see, I always thought ad campaigns were supposed to pull the consumer in and offer them a taste of the good life, to make them feel special and exclusive and to stand up against the rising tide/boring monotony that is ... other clothes.

As you can see from the pictures below - they have clearly succeeded. If I read these ad images right, Uniqlo clothes will turn us into  pasty-faced, heroin addicted, cross-dressing, homicidal  half-wits with the mental capacity of excrement and personality to suit. The guy in the green t-shirt looks like he's about to become the star of his own snuff movie, probably aided by the bloke in the red shirt who's practising erotic asphyxiation on the terrified looking woman with the big mouth.

It just makes me want to rush out and spend £5 on a t-shirt right now. What a shame then that "the kids" no longer yearn for low budget couture and instead prefer to stab one another to death ...

During my period of enforced absence I had the (mis)fortune to spot a "work of art" on the Tube system in London. The painting of the goddess Venus by 16th century German painter Lucas Cranch was being used to advertise an exhibition of work at the Royal Academy of Art in London.

Now, I'm not a prude and I'm not averse to a little naked female flesh but where in the name of hell did this celebrated Teutonic brush-wielder get the model from? She's utterly deformed, utterly emaciated and has a face like a bulldog licking the proverbial off a thistle.. Compare it then with the accompanying image of TV star Pamela Anderson, well-fed, well groomed and well-endowed up top (which has NOTHING to do with this rant btw).

My point is, why is it acceptable in modern Britain to show a  naked image of the bastard offspring of two misguided cousins, complete with nipples and pubes (I nearly wrote to my MP over that, I can tell you) but not to show an image of Pam Anderson.

There's a distinct case of double standards going on here, as usual if the art world decrees it "artistic" then you can shove a bare-naked minge just about anywhere, but if it's "popular culture" then it's obviously dirty and common and fit only for the gutter - quite rich really from a group of people who get slightly orgasmic over a stack of bricks...

After an unwelcome absence of almost eight weeks, I'm finally up and running again. The long break in service was caused by two things:

1. Some dickless twat hacked my site and I had to clear everything and restart.
2. Wordpress has gone from being the blogging platform of choice to an unusable piece of cack that utterly refuses to do as it's told.

So, I've moved publishing platforms and re-started everything. Some of the images from the archive posts are missing, some of the special characters are screwy and I don't like the current template design, but at least I'm back in business ...