Ladies and gentlemen, just in case you hadn't noticed, Britain is in a state of financial crisis. Stores are closing daily, workers are being made redundant by the thousand and the pound is at it's lowest level against the dollar for years...It's time for action, for a firm hand and for a man to burst in and save the day.
That man, is ME!
In an effort to stimulate the economy I have officially opened the doors to the Royal Bank of Crussell(tm). So come on in and send me your money today and let's get the country working!!
Do you want rates of interest that are 5% above the base limit for super-bank, inter-racial lending, or a mortgage with repayment rates that are index linked to the base rate of the current rate of 25% of the Gross Domestic Product of Zimbabwe? Then look no further - we supply mortgages to gullible fools everywhere!
If you're a small business, then you're in luck too! We lend money to anyone, especially if they're fraudsters, half-arses, losers, chancers or even the Prime Minister (though the chances are he doesn't need a loan, he just pisses away everyone else's cash).
Our staff will be the best paid in the world, garnering annual bonuses of up a trillion pounds each (based loosely on lack of performance).
And on the off chance the whole thing goes belly-up through excessive greed, short-sightedness and/or carelessness, we're also covered too - you get your money back (well ... most of it) then automatically surrender it to bail me out, and while you suffer for years to come, with increased taxes, lowered interest rates and a house that's worth 70% less then you paid for it, I'll be sitting on my fat arse in the Caribbean, smoking huge cigars, drinking fine wines and congratulating Gordon Brown on a job badly done. Didn't he used to be in charge of the country's money, or something?
So don't delay! Join the Royal Bank of Crussell(tm) today, and help me the merchant banker* I've always been!!!
Just call 0800-piss-your-cash-away and our hopelessly incompetent call centre staff will take those troublesome pounds away from you and put it in the pockets of people who can really waste it!
