My name is Crussell, and I'm an addict...

I've just seen the new Government anti-cannabis advert, and it really set me to thinking.

Cannabis, apparently, makes you giggle a lot, then you have panic attacks, then insane paranoia and finally you become a dribbling schizophrenic - scary stuff. Apparently only "Frank" can save you at this point...

So, time for my confession.

My name is Crussell and I'm a Malteser addict.

It started so innocently at first, I was hanging out down Tesco with my mates, abusing pensioners and people with limps and then a mate offered me a fun-sized bag of LIVING HELL.

I thought I could I could handle it, a couple of chocolatey malt balls here and there - what harm could it do? But before I knew it I was trapped in it's sugary melt-in-the-mouth madness.

I started bunking off work to go to the corner shop, sometimes sopending £2.50 or £3 at a time. Hiding in the firm's toilets to cram them in, three, four, sometimes five at a time. I lost interest in food, my skin became spotty and I was spending all the loose fifty pence pieces I could get my hands on.

Before long I escalated to Revels and even ... fizzy cola bottles.

My wife spotted the signs, she thought I was on smack or Charlie, but I finally broke down and admitted to my addiction, she was horrified.

As part of my rehab I was forced to edure hours of torture, watching Gillian McKeith sift through people's poo and learning that I did not, in fact, "look good naked".

The withdrawal was the hardest part, I had to lock myself in the house, eating only celery and peas for weeks at a time but eventually I fought off the cravings - it was hard and miserable. I lost my job at Cadbury's and was forced to live in the shed until I was clean.

I'm much happier now, apart from a relapse involving a large Toblerone and some Jelly Tots, I've been straight for hours.

I did think about visiting schools to tell my sad story. encoraging kids to increase the amount of Ketamine and Ecstasy they take (it's safer than horse riding apparently) and I think I'm getting my message, I even have a catchy catchphrase to catch the kids attention - "Chocolate balls, don't, don't do it"...