Why Al-Qaeda are CRAP

Since 2001 the Western world has been living with the ever-present threat of terrorism looming over it's shoulder. After attacks on the London Underground, hotels in Mumbai, failed bombings in London's West End, Glasgow Airport and a show bomber, we've seen our civil liberties eroded, and our way of life forever altered.

And all by a bunch of bearded religious twats who think they're better than we are.

They expect us to "respect" them, to listen to their arguments and to give them what they want. But they'll never get their way because, quite frankly...

Al-Qaeda are SHIT.

And here's why:

* Their leader is a tatty looking old gimp with an iron lung
* They operate out of the arse-end of Pakistan
* There is no semblance of organisation to their ... organisation
* They only have three teeth between them

So, clearly, if they're to be successful they need to effect a few changes, here's my suggestions:

* Ditch Osama Bin Liner and get a proper boss in place, preferably someone who runs a technical multi-mega-corp and is bald or has an eye-patch and a menacing scar
* Operate out of a luxury Caribbean island instead of some Middle-Eastern lavatory
* Sort out the organisation - introduce some management structure and hold regular team meetings (for the team members who haven't blown themselves up)
* Get a dental plan
* Hire nice, clean henchmen and kit them out in matching red suits so they are easily recognisable - no open-toed sandals either, proper, shiny boots

and finally ...

* Get a proper evil villain HQ equipped with a ludicrously fancy helicopter or submarine.

In short - watch a James Bond movie you bunch of monkeys! It's really not hard is it now? Everyone knows it is vital to have a real-life version of Tracey Island, equipped with all sorts of cool gadgetry and always bear in mind that you're going to lose the battle at the end, but only after revealing in minute detail what you intend to do - though that's pretty much well-known already and goes under the heading of "blowing shit up".

And finally, get a cool yet oddly evil pet.

Now that's that way to do terrorist villainy properly!