The recession is biting hard, bills are on the up and up, employment rates are skyrocketing, it's a dodgy time to be a British worker... I noticed recently, the Bank of England have been buying "toxic debt" and allowing quantitititittive easing .. or something. This being the case, I have, today written to the Governor of the Bank of England, asking for a license to print my own money.
I wonder what the response will be ... ?
I wonder what the response will be ... ?
Dear Mr King,
I write to you as one of the millions of Britons who are currently suffering as a result of what is being referred to as the "economic downturn".
As you well know, interest rates are at their lowest since records began, which means any savings remain stagnant and in the hands of bankers who seem all too able to misuse them. Household bills continue to rise as does the cost of food, travel to work and many, many other day-to-day expenses, all of which quickly whittle away my monthly earnings. Even my home is no longer worth anywhere what it was two years ago.
In short, things are pretty miserable and that's why I am writing to you today.
I note that many financial institutions have applied for and been granted huge sums of cash to bail them out of a tricky situation, indeed, even the Bank of England recently executed what I believe is called "quantitiative easing" to help the country out.
I am therefore writing to you to ask what requirements I need to meet in order to carry out my own quantitative easing. I have a home computer and good quality colour printer so I'm more than capable of printing my own money in an effort to ease my financial woes. By my reckoning I won't need to print more than, say, £15,000 - £20,000 which should tide me over until the end of the current recession. If you would be so kind as to provide with me with a suitable set of serial numbers I can get started printing tonight (of course, I promise I won't share them with anyone else as you wouldn't want just anyone printing off their own cash willy-nilly, that would be forgery - plain and simple!) As a show of good faith I'll also restrict my printing efforts to £5 and £10 notes only as this will put more notes into circulation - a move which I gather the Prime Minister is very keen on - besides, it's very tough to get change for a £50 at our corner shop - the owner always treats them as if they are forgeries.
As an alternative, if the above is not feasible at short notice, I am willing to sell you my toxic debt to cover the £15,000 - £20,000 I need. If I add the debts for my dining room furniture, credit cards, Littlewoods catalogue payments and sundry other overdrafts and bills, I should have enough to cover all eventualities with a bit left over for a new TV.
Obviously, I don't expect to be given the money for free and am happy to enter into a contract with the Bank of England where the Bank will become a part owner in me and will have some say in my financial future - I have talked this over with my wife and she is happy to give away part of her stake in me in return for your financial investment. Additionally, she has prepared statements of future earnings which predict I can be earning at least 1.5 times the minimum wage by this time next year - and if that's not an incentive to invest, I don't know what is!!!
I look forward to hearing from you soon, but if you could do so before payday (March 27) I would be grateful as the gas bill goes out soon after.
Kind Regards
C. Russell (Mr)
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