April 2009 Archives

On the tube last night I spotted the first signs of impending doom - Japanese tourists wearing face masks to "protect" against Swine Flu. They were the only people around who seemed to care that much so, obviously, they stood out.

And that set me thinking ...

There's nothing we can do about the spread of Swine Flu, it's here and it's going to run it's course. So, let's have some fun with it! Remember several years ago when "Happy Slapping" was all the rage with teens across Britain? It involved beating the crap out of an unsuspecting passer-by while filming it on a mobile phone - nasty stuff indeed.

What I'm proposing is a non-violent, politically incorrect version of the same - HAPPY SNEEZING!!!

RULES :
* To score points, you must fake sneeze next to someone in a face mask, generating a physical reaction.
* Props (tissues, fake blood etc) may be used
* No physical contact is allowed!!!!
* The only eligible "targets" are people in face masks - and besides they'll be a whole twitchier!
* Targets must be filmed to score!

POINTS :

1 point if the victim flinches
5 points if the victim jumps
10 points if the victim cries out in an amusingly alarmed fashion
50 points if they run away screaming

an extra 1000 points if the sneeze is carried out on stairs or an escalator and the target falls down and/or passes out.

So there you go folks, pandemics need not be boring and overshadowed by the prospect of death, they can be fun too!! So start scoring now and remember: It's all good fun til someone catches a cold and dies ...

Swine Flu observation #3 : Egypt has ordered the destruction of all of it's pigs in an effort to stop the spread of the flu, proving once again that some people never bloody listen ...

... an oinkerchief!!! Apparently this gag is way less funny if you're Mexican right now, due to the fact the more than a hundred people have apparently died from SWINE FLU.

Yes, that's right, the Earth is under siege again, this time from a virus that came from pigs. The SWINE FLU bug could kill 120 million people according to reports from the press, decimating communities, wreaking huge global change and forcing mankind to change the very way it conducts itself on planet Earth.

Or a lot of people could get the sniffles and remain terrified out of their wits while the pharmaceutical companies make billions.

A couple of years ago we had BIRD FLU - a highly contagious etc etc that was to mutate into a strain that * yawn * resulting in the end of the world as we know it. Before that HIV was a disease sent by a vengeful <insert ficticious deity here> to rid the world of evil - obviously it failed as both Brown and Blair are still alive.

So there you go, feel free to lock yourself in the cupboard under the stairs for the next month, eat nothing but cream crackers and drink your own urine and you'll be safe (and at least you won't have to watch reality TV though 'Britain's Got Respiratory Difficulties' would be a hoot).

And for those determined to slug it out above ground, here's some helpful hints:

* Don't tongue Mexicans with a sniffle
* You can't catch Swine Flu from hat dancing or casual Mariachi
* Kill anyone with a cough - especially if they look foreign or are French
* Immediately rent made-for-TV movies with titles like "Virus!" or "The man who retched his sphincter out!" for hints on surviving a pandemic

* Manufacture a makeshift shelter from an overturned table and whitewash your windows to reflect the blast (sorry, wrong disaster..)
* Get out there and panic buy NOW! Nothing prepares you for a superflu pamndemic like a cupboard full of boil-in-the-bag egg-fuk-you and 500 packets of Oreos (also lots of toilet paper)

To sum up in the words of the man from CBS News, the situation gets more desperate as the hours tick by (apparently).

Mexicans everywhere are dying a slow, painful death and America has declared a state of national emergency as there's no-one to work in McDonalds or to prune hedges. Abroad, cases have been highlighted in a number of European countries and health services are on full alert.

On a lighter note, cases have been reported in France and workers who aren't already on strike with sympathy pandemics are planning to surrender to the virus and form a Vichy government. And in Britain, "Prime Minister" Gordon Brown is said to be delighted by the outbreak - after all, the deaths of a few filthy Wetbacks does a great job of distracting public attention away from his abject failures, doesn't it?

Strange though, all of the deaths and the vast majority of cases of this virus have been reported in Mexico, yet international flights are still running there - if this is really as big a problem as the scientists would have us believe, wouldn't it be a good idea to stop them right now?

Gaze in awe, if you will, at two shining examples of why Britain is no longer Great.

Exhibit #1 - Mother of triplets Leanne Salt.
This shining specimen of motherhood feeds her eight-month-old kids McDonalds, fish and chips and microwave meals. The 29-stone slapper, from Coventry, dresses the children one a week for their trip to the dole office (whether they need it or not) and steers them away from healthy foods as she doesn't want hem to grow up anorexic.

No love, they'll grow up like their mother, fat and utterly ignorant. If we were to hunt this individual down, we could kill it and send the meat to Africa to feed the starving of the Third World. I somehow doubt they'd eat it though as no-one wants the Mad Cow disease at the best of times.

Exhibit #2 - Jackiey Budden
Mother of that dead thick bird, Jackiey recently told check-in staff at Gatwick Airport that she had a gun in her hand luggage - how hilarious is that???!!!!!!!??!!! Perhaps unsurprisingly, the authorities took a dim view and strip searched her, though she was still allowed to board her flight (Jesus, it's bloody ugly with it's clothes ON, I suspect the customs officer who carried out the search will need counselling for years).

So there you go, British intelligentsia for the 21st Century, is there are any wonder the country is going down the pan?



I've just learned of a third candidate for brainiac of the year - the Lovely Mr Gordon Brown said in a speech today that Britain was one of the best prepared nations in the world to deal with a pandemic. Just before the economy imploded he told us we were very well placed to ride the downturn without major impact. The long and the short of it ... YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

It seems we have a bit of a problem with terrorism these days, particularly, with people entering the country for the express purpose of blowing bits of it up. While I realise that causing explosions is part and parcel of terrorism, I do regard it as being a bit below the belt when said terrorists come into Britain by stealth - really it's just not cricket.

It really is about time the government addressed the situation and sorted it out once and for all. Given that every plot against Britain has it's roots somewhere in Pakistan, I suggest creating a new set of documents for incoming Pakistani visitors - a terrorist visa.

It really would save time if you think about it, a few questions on a bright red piece of paper and prospective Jihadi's could walk right on through, leaving the Gurkhas  to be thrown out at Brown's convenience - after all they're only a bunch of bloody foreigners who fought (and in some cases) died and only want to leech from our benefits system - sponging bastards. Not like the lovely Muslim terrorists who deserve everything they demand because .. well ... they're Muslim and violent scum...

Anyways, inspired by the American green card visa system, here's some suggestions for the new form:

Terrorist Visa (c)HM Government, all rights given away at the first hint of trouble...

Q1. Are you a terrorist Y/N?

Q2. What is the nature of your Jihadi action (choose all that apply)
  * Violent demonstrations
  * Terrorist Training
  * Desire to bomb shopping centre/s
  * Other (please state in less than a million illiterate squiggles)

Q3. Who will you be staying with while you plot the downfall of the infidels?
  * With brothers dedicated to the cause
  * In a benefits-funded B&B
  * With family members who don't believe for a second that the time you went to Pakistan for "religious experiences" was actually spent in a secret camp firing AK47s at goats

Q4. How many virgins do you expect on successful completion of your mission ?
  * 74
  * 1
  * Allah be praised, don't give me an ugly camel..

Q5. If you get caught, how many times do you intend petitioning the Court of Human Rights during the time you're in prison?
  * 1
  * 534,565,982,882
  * I'm not a terrorist, I'm a victim of a hateful society that wants me dead because I tried to blow the fuckers up - I'm in fact a "student".

Of course, this is all a joke (before anyone tries blowing my house up). It would never be the case as we all know the British Government is too gutless to do anything about the terrorist situation because it involves; a) Muslims and b) People with guns.

So, I was going to give this up altogether, but overwhelming public pressure (from Tracy and Pat mostly), made me bring it back.

However.

I have been having a little think. Lately, I rediscovered my teenage anger - you know, the one that fuels you through the ages 13 to 20, the one that makes you rail against authority and all that kind of stuff - not in a filthy hippy kind of way, more of a 'I have something to say and I've been prevented from saying it' kind of way.

So. I've decided to start saying what I think rather than what I think people like to hear and, as Suicidal Tendencies lead singer Mike Muir once raged: "...And if I offended you, Oh I'm sorry,
but maybe you needed to be offended. So here's my apology and one more thing - fuck you".

Amen...