Yes, that's right, the Earth is under siege again, this time from a virus that came from pigs. The SWINE FLU bug could kill 120 million people according to reports from the press, decimating communities, wreaking huge global change and forcing mankind to change the very way it conducts itself on planet Earth.
Or a lot of people could get the sniffles and remain terrified out of their wits while the pharmaceutical companies make billions.
A couple of years ago we had BIRD FLU - a highly contagious etc etc that was to mutate into a strain that * yawn * resulting in the end of the world as we know it. Before that HIV was a disease sent by a vengeful <insert ficticious deity here> to rid the world of evil - obviously it failed as both Brown and Blair are still alive.
So there you go, feel free to lock yourself in the cupboard under the stairs for the next month, eat nothing but cream crackers and drink your own urine and you'll be safe (and at least you won't have to watch reality TV though 'Britain's Got Respiratory Difficulties' would be a hoot).
And for those determined to slug it out above ground, here's some helpful hints:
*
Don't tongue Mexicans with a sniffle
* You can't catch Swine Flu
from hat dancing or casual Mariachi
* Kill anyone with a cough -
especially if they look foreign or are French
* Immediately rent
made-for-TV movies with titles like "Virus!" or "The man who
retched his sphincter out!" for hints on surviving a pandemic
*
Manufacture a makeshift shelter from an overturned table and
whitewash your windows to reflect the blast (sorry, wrong
disaster..)
* Get out there and panic buy NOW! Nothing prepares
you for a superflu pamndemic like a cupboard full of boil-in-the-bag
egg-fuk-you and 500 packets of Oreos (also lots of toilet paper)
To
sum up in the words of the man from CBS News, the situation gets more
desperate as the hours tick by (apparently).
Mexicans
everywhere are dying a slow, painful death and America has declared a
state of national emergency as there's no-one to work in McDonalds or
to prune hedges. Abroad, cases have been highlighted in a number of
European countries and health services are on full alert.
On a lighter note, cases have been reported in France and workers who aren't already on strike with sympathy pandemics are planning to surrender to the virus and form a Vichy government. And in Britain, "Prime Minister" Gordon Brown is said to be delighted by the outbreak - after all, the deaths of a few filthy Wetbacks does a great job of distracting public attention away from his abject failures, doesn't it?
Strange though, all of the deaths and the vast majority of cases of this virus have been reported in Mexico, yet international flights are still running there - if this is really as big a problem as the scientists would have us believe, wouldn't it be a good idea to stop them right now?
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