Ladies, ladies, ladies… PLEASE!! News reaches us this week that women are now responsible for 25% of all violent attacks. It seems the fairer sex are getting increasingly drunk and pissed up on booze then hitting each other like street whores brawling over the last customer… Quite frankly, it’s unacceptable.
So, in an effort to add an air of respectability to proceedings, here’s some excerpts from my forthcoming guide, Crussell’s Guide to a Good Night Out (for the ladies)
Preparing for your night out
Refrain from “necking” five Red Bulls in less than 30 minutes, the proper NOL (Night out Lady), paces herself by restricting the alcopop intake to one bottle per smear of cheap make-up. always remember to drink from a glass – there’s nothing more unsociable than simple opening your cavernous mouth and pouring the alcohol in.
Clothing is an important aspect of the evening out, be sure it’s too tight and, if possible, semi-transparent – all the better to show off those tattoos of unicorns and badly-drawn butterflies!
Meeting your fellow ladies
Be sure to meet your fellow revellers at a reasonable time and place. A hugely overcrowded pub always does the trick, with ten minutes to go before your preferred event/club opens.
Genuine NOLs project an aura of authority, so make sure you push your way straight to the bar, ignoring the complaints of other drinkers. As a general note, those around you love to be called “fakkin’ coonts” and will often appreciate a piggy-eyed, slack dead-eyed stare, if you have the time to give them one.
Arriving at your chosen venue
It’s very important for the NOL to be impressively under-dressed when arriving at your chosen venue, even more so if the outside temperature is low. Be sure to clutch your tiny handbag to your chest and shiver dramatically. In order to relieve the cold you feel, chew enthusiastically on a large wad of gum in order to generate enough heat to keep you comfortable. No spitting however, etiquette teaches us that a NOL always swallows (more on this later).
Attracting a mate
There are two schools of thought for the NOL here, the Drinkonomics camp would have you believe that it’s the norm to turn up at your event with no cash, grab a suitable looking male and entice him into a companionable relationship with a phrase such as “I’ll nosh you off if you buy me a fakkin’ lager”, though the more laid back members of the School of Dancemania will insist that random disinterested motions on the dance floor will do the job just as well with less … noshing …
Go with whatever suits your mood, but remember, it’s always more effective if gum is being chewed.
Leaving the Event
A proper NOL likes to make as big an impact when she leaves as when she arrives. Try starting a fight or hitting a rival NOL with a broken bottle whilst exchanging words of mutual respect such as “slag” or “whore” to achieve the desired effect – remember: no-one likes a wallflower!
In the event that you’ve “pulled” it’s important to indulge in sexual activities in the lavatories before leaving so you can share your moment of coital bliss with your chums on the way home, and be sure to shout goodbye to your “shag” on the way out, destroying his reputation with his mates as you do.
For the ultimate exit, try vomiting copiously on the pavement outside of the venue, the knowledgeable NOL about town will always try to keep a little in her mouth, just in case an eligible bachelor walks past, after all, there’s nothing as romantic as a staggering, lager-soaked, blood stained, vomit-emanating NOL with her knickers in her handbag, is there?