The Honorable member for Helipad

From: The Honourable Member for Helipad North
To: the Right Honourable members of Her Majesty's Parliament

Subject: Expenses

To the Rt Hon Members,
It is with great regret that I wish to announce to the house that I have been caught with my fingers in the till. It was never my intention to bring shame on the world's greatest political institution, just to get away with whatever I could. I also never intended to embarrass the Prime Minister, besides, no-one thought it was possible for him to be further shamed given the current state of his leadership.

I will not apologise for my actions, as far as I'm concerned, I acted within the letter of the law (which I helped write) and never broke any of the rules (which I had a hand in creating).

Let me explain my actions:

The claim for extra-strength underpants (£5,645) was a necessary expense given my position in the House. For the last three years I've had to listen to the incessant crap spewed out by the Labour party, quite honestly, their constant backtracking, double talking and outright lying causes my colon to spasm, hence the need for a reinforced gusset and extra buttock padding.

The £15,600 for a new conservatory was vital. You see, I keep my special "going to Parliament" shoes in the Conservatory and I fear I would not be able to do my job properly without footwear which is maintained in the manner to which they've become accustomed.

The claim for the house for my flip-flops has already been withdrawn, mainly because I never wear the flip-flops.

Most importantly, the £21,615 for interest on the lack of interest on the capital sum of the derisory amount of the gross product of the net income of my mortgage is important to me because I don't understand what it's for, but whatever it is it's an "accounting error", the error being that some bastard at the Daily Telegraph noticed.

Finally, as a relatively new MP, I believe the £150 for porn movies off Sky is totally justified as I wanted to fit in with the other thieving wankers around here and needed some training first.

So, to sum up, I'm willing to pay back at least £50 of the £65,768.98 I have claimed in the last month as a show of faith in the Parliamentary system and so I don't have to go to jail - it's not like I'm a real criminal after all, they're poor and have stripey jumpers, whereas I am rich and have expensive Saville Row suits, the receipts for which will be lodged with the Fees Office next week.

Regards
Justin Toper-Sopona-Roper Johnson
Rt Hon Member for Helipad North