September 2009 Archives

Why is it, that whenever I mention the fact I'm going to be a dad and that we're having two girls people laugh then say "You are SO screwed..."

It's not funny, it's not helpful and it really pisses me off. Maybe your kids are little bastards who spend their time knifing pensioners and drinking Diamond White, if so, I'm really not interested.

Also, I don't care what your suggestions for names are, really, I don't. So kindly wrap up Chinawhite and Frogmella in their gaudy little Fubu tracksuits and CLEAR OFF.

They're my girls, I'm proud of them already and I can't wait for February, if you can't handle it or feel the need to be sarcastic, miserable or otherwise stay the fuck away from my family.

The annual exam results are all in now and .. EVERYONE GOT AN A!!!!! Hoorah! Lashings of jam and ginger beer all around, we're all going to public school!

But before you get all excited and start throwing your straw boater in the air and exposing your buttocks to the chaps from the Upper Fifth(it is public school after all), let's take a second to reflect on the academic effort involved in passing modern school exams. Why not take this secretly leaked test and see if you're capable of getting 50 A*s without even revising !!!



Question 1 - Are you
a) Human
b) Descended from reptiles
c) Innit

(Score 5 if you answered 'a', 3 for 'b' and '1' for c (we're assuming you had the mental comprehension to circle the correct answer)

Question 2 - If John has three bitches and makes two of them pregnant (the second one with twins), how much money will he claim off the dole?
(Award points if you points for mentioning income support, multiple mothers, birth control (lack of) and the word innit)

Question 3 - The square on the side of the hypotenuse :
a) Is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides
b) Is where we 'ang owt an chill
c) Needs a cap in it's ass, innit
(Whatever the answer, award five points)

Question 4 - If I take a quarter and then I take another eighth, just how stoned will I be? (thank you Frankie Boyle!)
(No points for this one but it's worth noting early in your criminal record).

Question 5 - Innit?
(Award a point for turning up)

All done now? good! so, what are the scores on the doors:

More than 5 - subract 5 marks for being a smartarse
Less than 5 - add 95 marks
Less than Zero, award 95 marks for trying

Now turn the number of marks into a percentage and OMFG!!!!!!!eleventy!!!!WIN!!!!! You have sufficient qualifications to enter Cambridge and become a professor of Ancient History and shit - respect!

Sadly, you will still be educationally overqualified for the post of Prime Minister though if you can lie, cheat and release terrorists on your day off, then you might still be in with a chance...