It was five past twelve and the chaps of the Conservative fifth were toying with the idea of a little light footer after lunch.
“Crickey chaps,” sputtered Osbourne, “let’s get the bally old pigskin out and make like Acrington Stanley!”
“Good idea Osser old chap,” chipped in Cameron Snr, “We can make like the footer league cup until French rolls around – hoorah!”
And so it was was the boys piled out of the Commons back door and headed off to the quad for a compressed 90 minutes of end-to-end fun. Jostling each other in a good-natured fashion as they went, the chums were pretty carefree, knowing it was only a couple of months until the hols – it always was at the House of Commons School for Good Old Boys(tm).
But in an instant, their revelry drained quickly away as a stern voice echoed across the expanse of the quad.
“Och ai the noo etc,” it boomed, “give me your lunch money you Tory buffoons or it’s the blue fishes for you!”
“Cavey boys!” ejaculated Cameron Snr, “it’s only Brown Minor, the biggest bully in the school. He’s already polished off the chaps in his own department and now he’s ready to start on us!”
Brown appeared, as if by magic, next to the footballing throng, grasping one of their number firmly by the ear.
“Yaroo!!”, yelled the unfortunate boy, “leggo Brown you utter rotter, that hurts”. The injured party, William Bunter (the Hon Member for Greyfriars), wriggled as if to escape the attentions of the evil Brown, failing miserably.
“Och ai!”, quoth the Scots bully, “not only do I have a propensity for uttering Scots cliches, but I’m rogered if I’m going to let you lot take my Head Boy status away. I had to fight jolly hard with Blair the Younger for this and I’ll box your ears with my ma’s homemade shortbread before I give it up”.
Cameron Snr faced up to the Sawney Slacker and fixed him with his modestly steely gaze: “Look here Brown, we’ve just about jolly well had enough of your batey shenanigans. You kept mum about the bally awfulness in Iraq, fittered away the country’s tuckshop earnings and allowed commoners into our school. Well we’ve just about had enough – put your dukes up kilt-boy!!”
Brown returned Cameron Snr’s spirited glance and immediately reached for a nearby Mandelson with which to beat the leader of the Conservative Fifth…
So, not content with using his dead daughter to gain political leverage and show the nation what a “nice” man he is, now he’s bullying his own side – what a great example of leadership by example, all hail the most hated Prime Minister in recorded history..