April 2010 Archives

My fan has been complaining again that I rarely post to my blog any more. There are several good reasons for the lack of updates, the first too being my very demanding but insanely cute daughters :)

The other reason is the fact that I've been slaving away over a hot keyboard on http://thezombiediaries.worldofcrussell.com

What manner of madness is that, you may ask (go on, you know you want to..). Well, taken from the exhaustive "About Me" page I wrote while ont he train the other day:


The idea for The Zombie Diaries came to me one grey afternoon on the train on the way home from work. I'd had a number of ideas and musings running around in my mind for a while. all of which revolved around a zombie theme but I'd never had the opportunity to expand on them or write them down.

I had thought about writing a book, but, to be honest it's all a bit of a carry on and I'd probably never get than 10% of it written before I lost interest or just plain ran out of time, so I decided to write it as a "blook" and release it piece by painful piece onto my website for anyone who was interested enough to read it.

So, the Zombie Diaries is the (obviously) fictional tale of a man, his friends and an outbreak of something ghastly that means the dead can walk the Earth. It was written by me during odd moments - mostly on the train between London and Fleet, Hampshire where I currently live with my wife, Elly and our utterly gorgeous twin daughters.

This is very much a work in progress, call it a rough draft, a first edition, a mind dump or any other description you can think of and because of that I make no apologies for any spelling or grammatical mistakes or minor "hiccups" in the plot. It is what it is and it aint no more!

At some point I'll get round to adding bios and other self-absorbed rubbish, but for now, sit back and (hopefully) enjoy this for what it is - Zombie Fiction...

So there you go, a free read what I wrote meself which I can update as and when I feel the urge. Currently, it stands at about 12000 words and will reach "novel" status at 40,000+ (actually it could probably do to be 80,000 plus but let's not split hairs shall we?)

Anyways, nip over there, have a read and let me know what you think.

Adverts, they're all around. Ads for cars, insurance, food and stuff we don't really need, or want, for that matter.

And it's all lies.

It astounds me sometimes just how stupid advertisers think we actually are. Take for instance the recent ad for Pringles. There's lots of groovy music, some hip young types dancing about and lots of wavy lines and hip and happening goings on. Then they hit you with the lie:

Apparently, because there are 90 crisps in a single tube of Pringles they are officially "more fun".

How the hell can a packet of crisps be fun? Going out for a day at a theme park with the kids = FUN, going out for a drink with the lads = FUN, eating a packet of pre-chewed, re-constituted corn offal on your own and consuming so much salt you could wither up and die like a blubbering, solitary slug = NOT FUN... is it?

Another example, say I wanted to reinsure my car, I could go to the firm GoCompare. Apparently, if I do, some fat tosser will appear from nowhere and below at me in a fake Italian accent until I suffer an insurancegasm in my pants. Clearly, another lie. If that cretin appeared within 500 yards of a prospective insurance buyer they'd be forced to slash his throat open with the jagged edge of a broken bottle - WHO'D BE THANKING HIS LUCKY STARS THEN???? EH?? EH???

What's required is some truth in advertising, and here's my take on it...

For miracle weight loss drug Alli:

The ad fades into a messy kitchen. A vastly overweight woman is curled up in a ball in the corner, her face is tear-stained with traces of smeared chocolate across the cheeks. The voiceover says: "With Alli you could shed pounds in a matter of weeks but you won't because you're a greedy fat cow who'll stuff herself full of sweets then try and cover it up out of a sense of guilt by overdosing on our pills until you irreparably damage your kidneys. Give up now or die" 

Or for popular cheap lager Carlsberg:

The camera opens on a happy family scene, a well groomed man hugs his gorgeous wife, kisses his smiling blonde-haired daughter on the top of the head and shakes hands with his unfeasibly good-looking pals as they get into the car and head off to play golf.

Voiceover man says: "Carlsberg don't make perfect family moments, and round about now you're lying screaming in a gutter with blood running from a gaping wound after you got pissed and mouthed off at some skinheaded nutter in a cheap boozer"

Finally, how about car insurance...

A hilarious cartoon animal, say a Meerkat, tells you:"For gorgeous animated cartoon hijinks visit my lovely website or for car insurance that appears to cover you for everything till you need it, when you actually find out that you are covered for precisely FUCK ALL, go to this other similarly named website."

Now, wouldn't that be better for all concerned?? Adverts that tell it it like it is and tell the truth rather than a tissue of pointless lies that deceive absolutely no-one...

Right, time for a cup of penis enlarging, weigh reducing, salary increasing tea that I saw during Jeremy Kyle the other day...