What is it about cycling shorts, exactly? If you have a shapely posterior, I can see the point. If you are a professional or club cyclist, I can see the point. But if you are a fat-arsed middle man with a perspiration problem – cycling shorts are NOT A GOOD LOOK!!

Every morning I set off to the station in preparation for my hour long commute of misery into Central London, and every morning I have to pass a stream of men, who  should know better, sweating and puffing their way to work on massively over-expensive pushbikes.

Now, I have nothing against pushbikes (especially my feet – God made cars for a reason..) but a combination of a massively expensive bit of carbon fibre, a silly crash hat, a jersey with “Raleigh” on the front of it and shorts so tight they make your arse look like two sweaty eels doing something unmentionable in a rubber sack really is beyond the pale, it’s a good job I don’t eat breakfast, or the inside of my car would reek of vomit and secondhand Weetabix before my journey is complete.

What’s really hard to fathom is why fat, flabby middle-aged somethings feel the need to dress in skin tight clothes. They wouldn’t do it in the supermarket or while making a presentation to The Board, so why the hell is it necessary to squeeze your scrotum into an item of clothing clearly not designed for the purpose and definitely designed for folks 20 years your junior?

if it’s to attract a mate, I’d say it’s going to pretty unsuccessful, unless you’re looking to attract similar sweaty middle-aged men who pant a lot.

Maybe it’s because lycra ‘makes your bum look smaller’, but I doubt it.

Which leaves only one explanation. The tight fitting clothing reduces drag and/or wind resistance therefore enabling the wearer to travel faster on said pushiron.

I have news for you fatboy, it’s not working. The lard vs wind ratio is in no way affected by the tightness of your pants or by how constricted your danglers are. The only thing that will gain some improvement, is the mood of the ambulance crew who have to pick you up after you collapse with palpitations at the bus stop up the road..

Please. Stop. Now.