Recently in Uncategorized Category

The Olympics is just around the corner and I'm sure  we're looking forward to events such as "baton the monk" and the "100 yards human rights suppression dash". The cheeky Chinks have pulled out all the stops to convince us that a handful of old blokes can bring terror to the most populous nation in the world. Full marks too to the British runners and jumpers who ably demonstrate what makes Britain shit by failing the boycott the games - after all, what's 90+ deaths when you might get to win a medal for running 100 yards (tip: get a car you pointless plebs) What we really need is to look back in time to when the Olympics meant something, when the spirit of competition was proud, when men were real men and when being able to run quickly and throw things a long way might have meant something. In short, NOT the 1904 Olympic marathon event ... The marathon was the most bizarre event of the Games. It was run in brutally hot weather, over dusty roads, with horses and automobiles clearing the way and creating dust clouds.

• The first to arrive was Frederick Lorz, who actually was just trotting back to the finish line to retrieve his clothes, after dropping out after nine miles. Officials thought he'd won and awarded him a medal until they realised he'd travelled most of the distance by car ..
• Thomas Hicks (a Briton running for the United States) was the first to cross the finish-line legally, after having received several doses of strychnine mixed with brandy. He was crowned the official winner of the event.
• Cuban postman Felix Carbajal joined the marathon but had to run in street clothes that he cut around the legs to make them look like shorts as he didn't have any proper gear. He stopped off in an orchard mid way round to snack on apples but it turned out the apples  were rotten so he had to have a sleep until the effects of the dodgy fruit wore off - he still managed 4th place..
• The marathon included the first two black Africans to compete in the Olympics. One finished ninth, the other 12th. The 12th placed man would probably have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.

All in all then, the 1904 Olympic Marathon was a huge success, let's see what the Chinks can pull off this summer!

Blimey .. every now and again this blog goes through a doldrums period where everything goes still, then, when I shed the albatross from around my neck* I find ten minutes to update it and add new stuff in, and here I am again ...

So ... Previously on 24 WorldOfCrussell: since my last post we've applied for, and been accepted into, an IVF programme at a clinic in the US. Cost being what it is, we're taking part in what's known as a Shared Risk program which involves us giving them $20,000 and they give us six rounds of treatment which results in either a baby or our money back.

Elly flies out to Maryland in a few days and I follow a week or so after and by the middle of next month we'll be back on the waiting game and using enough pregnancy testing kits to keep Tesco's profits bullish for years to come.

Hopefully it'll all work out first time around and we can finally have the kids we've wanted for years. Fingers crossed ...

I got delayed for 15 minutes at Waterloo tube station this morning - ordinarily an exasperating experience - until the station announcer gave the following explanation (I tried to note it word for word..) :

"We apologise for the delay, we were told there was a body on the line, but it turns out, it was a shoe ..."

Obviously it was a woman who called the "emergency" in, given that they put the life of a shoe above all else - "But officer! It had sparkly straps and everything!!"

Yesterday, Elly had two embryos put back in from an IVF cycle we went through last year, so, until proven otherwise, she's officially pregnant again. It's been an all-natural cycle this time around with no drugs, injections or unusual unpleasantness and we managed to get two embies from the three which were frozen, which beats the odds for a kick-off, generally there's only a  30% chance of success.

Yesterday was also Matthew's first anniversary, he was stillborn this time last year. We miss him terribly, even though we only got to hold him for a couple of hours and he was already gone at the time. I can see how some folk might think it odd that we grieve for a child that we never truly knew but at the same time he was perfectly formed and naturally born which makes him my son and no-one can ever take that away from us. It was quite a coincidence that the transfer for the latest round came on the same date as Matthew's anniversary and we're taking it as a very positive sign - when you've been through what we have you learn to take ANYTHING as a force for good, no matter how small or silly.

Hopefully, by October this year our home will never be the same again !

As mentioned in the "vile hate-filled" entry below (don't worry Enraged of Worthing I'll save you the trouble), I was hit last weekend with a rather irritating case of Kidney Stones.

In short; Went to bed at 2am on the Sunday morning and felt fine, woke up at 3 and felt like someone was twisting a white-hot knife in my back. There followed six hours of blinding pain, violent sickness, diarrhoea and a couple of instances of passing-out on the floor before I finally gave in and went to hospital where they gave me Morphine (the world went all flaoty and nice and nothing hurt, which was a Good Thing(tm)).

So, after a stay in the Urology ward I was parcelled off home with enough painkillers to fell an elephant and antibiotics aplenty and I've spent the last week off work and on the sofa, which ordinarily would be great. but the residual pain from the stones and resulting urinary infection were so God awful it totally ruined a potentially relaxing experience.

Every medical person at the hospital told me smugly that the pain was akin to childbirth then added with a knowing grin that there's a 20% chance of it occuring again in the next year - way higher higher then winning the fecking lottery - just my luck :|

So, if you get the chance of a week off work due to kidney stones, my advice is to turn it down and take something else (like the plague, as it's bound to less bloody painful!)

I've just read a news posting on Yahoo! which says Turkey has banned access to YouTube because it carries clips which are insulting to the country's long dead founder Mustafa Kemal Ataturk. Also: "Several prominent Turkish journalists and writers  including Nobel literature prize winner Orhan Pamuk  have been tried for allegedly insulting "Turkishness."

Turkey is not alone in blocking YouTube. Last year, the Thai government banned the site for about four months because of clips seen as offensive to Thailand's revered monarch, King Bhumibol Adulyadej. And in May, Moroccans were unable to access YouTube after users posted videos critical of Morocco's treatment of the people of Western Sahara, a territory that Morocco took control of in 1975."

That being the case, and because I'm recovering from an attack of kidney stones that damn near killed me, I've decided to see how many countries I can get to ban my blog!! So, here goes:

Turks, Moroccans, Thai's, the Welsh and people who wear cardigans have bumsex with voles.
The French smell of wee.
Italians are all greasy (except for Fulvio).
Russians have big eyebrows and are, therefore, ignorant.
The French smell of poo.
The Spanish are all shifty.
People from Eastern Europe all drive crap cars (actually most of them are now in the UK and drive quite nice cars)
The French all smell of garlic and ponce about like little fairies as they are clearly all vole violators.
Virgin Islanders are LYING!!!!
Americans are fat, unlike the French who are emaciated due to an overdose of frog's legs.
No-one knows enough about the Portuguese to hate them at all - well done!

So, there's a start, basically, everyone in the world outside of England, Scotland and Ireland are rubbish and probably indulge in some form of bestiality (note: I didn't want to upset the poofs by calling people gay, co clearly I am IN THE RIGHT!).

Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for angry emails of hate because I said a naughty word or two about people...

Step 1: Apply for instant International banination
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Profit!!!!!

I thank you ....

There are many things I do when drunk. I do become quite cheery. I do become less hacked-off with the state of the world around me and I do crave more beer (!). However, I don't decide the best way to demonstrate the (in)flammability of white spirit by setting myself on fire, farewell then Michael Toye of Salisbury, we'll never remember you ...(from today's Metro):

A drunken man died after setting fire to himself in a fruitless bid to prove white spirit was not flammable, an inquest heard.

Michael Toye doused himself with the fluid during an argument with friend Paul Deacon before putting a cigarette lighter to his trousers.

Mr Deacon said he exttinguished the ensuing flames but was asked not to call for help by Mr Toye, who said: 'I'm all right, I just want a fag and a beer.' They were drinking at Mr Toye's flat on April 12 last year at the time of the dispute.

The 43-year-old applied the white spirit – a derivative of paraffin – while sitting in an armchair and his chest, arms and thighs were soon engulfed by flames.

Mr Deacon threw basins of water over him and wrapped him in a blanket after he refused medical help, the inquest heard. An ambulance took him to a burns unit at Salisbury District Hospital the next morning, but he died six days later from pneummonia caused by his injuries.

A verdict of death by misadventure was recorded by mid-Hampshire coroner Grahame Short.

Toye, from Hedge End, near Southampton, had not understood the consequences of his actions, said Mr Short. 'It was an act of possible bravado,' he added.

It's been a while since I last waffled on around here, but there's been a good reason for it, namely, our pet project Rehomeyourstuff.co.uk has finally launched. After of work we rolled it out on December 24, just in time for the Christmas break. If you haven't checked it out yet, it's a place to get rid of all that unwanted junk that clutters up the house - FOR FREE!!!! so do the poor Crussell's a favour and please use the site !! :) In other House of Crussell news, we're about to try a natural IVF cycle using frozen embryos that were collected during the last round of treatment, the process should begin in about 10 days and by the end of January we'll know if it's been successful or if we have to go to the US for full-blown treatment. Fingers crossed for that one ...

Hoorah! British troops are finally pulling out of Basra, leaving the second largest town in Iraq in local hands.

Apparently Al Queda's second in command thinks this is a major victory for rag-headed terrorists everywhere but if you think about it, it's got nothing to do with retreating or giving up.

Much like an unwanted Christmas sweater, Iraq is a pointless pain in the arse that we had to keep for a bit in case our political "grannie" came round and demanded to see us admiring it. But now the old dear dribbled off elsewhere we can unload it like the crap that it is.

After all, what did Iraq give us? A major drain on the armed forces? Check. A war the British public never asked for? Check. A lot of sand? Check.

And there's the problem. We have beaches along the coast and if we want to drain the armed forces we'll just let the traitor Brown sign them away to Europe.

So, Mr Queda, accept Iraq as a Christmas present (sorry Winter Celebration present, if we mention Christ we'll only upset their delicate sensibilities). You can play with the sand all you want and as a bonus, why not take a leaf out of Saudi Arabia's book and threaten to flog a few rape victims too.

Peace and good will to all men? My arse!

Fantasic story today about the World Pie Eating Championships which were due to start today in Wigan, England.

Unfortunately, the start of the event was delayed after the the specially produced pies (They must be 12cm across and 3.5cm deep with a filling of 1cm meat and potato cubes) were scoffed by a stray dog.

Tony Callaghan, owner of Harry's Bar, where the competition is held, said: "Former champs are given the pies for safekeeping and to ensure there is no tampering.

"Dave put them in the fridge, but the door did not close properly ... when he came back that bloody dog had ate the pies."

Charlie, the dog at the centre of the incident (he's a bichon frise which sounds like bacon rather than a form of hound) was unavailable for comment ...

)